It’s not always easy to tell that I have a problem with the way I speak.

Sure, if I have a cussing problem, or a fly off the handle at people, or I’m bending the truth all the time, it can be pretty easy to spot.

It’s the speech that doesn’t appear to be problematic at first glance that is the real problem. It’s also the type of speech that is most deadly because I can walk around believing I don’t have a problem…when in reality I do- a heart problem.

Jesus said in Luke 6:45 that the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. So if what comes out of my mouth is unhealthy, it means something in my heart is unhealthy. And if my heart is unhealthy and I don’t realize it…that means my heart and soul is only going to get sicker.

So we need to be able to identify the types of speech that indicate we have a problem- especially the speech that doesn’t appear to be a problem.

#1- Attacking through sarcasm

Hey, I am all for joking and messing around. I’m all for satire and the like.

But there’s a difference between satire and a joke and words that are presented as sarcasm but are actually hidden daggers designed to poke people right where it hurts.

“I was only joking!” is the response when someone takes offense…but were we really?

Attacking others through sarcasm is a form of passive aggressive behavior and manipulation that can absolutely ruin a relationship.

Proverbs 26:18-19 (NIV) says this:

Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, “I was only joking!”

We may think we are being funny. Reality is we are launching flaming arrows of death that wound and destroy. And Scripture says that is crazy.

If you have an issue with someone, pull them aside and talk it out. Don’t attack through sarcasm- that never makes things better, and it actually keeps us from dealing with the real wounds, anger, and often unforgiveness that are in our own heart.

By the way, I’m speaking as someone who at one time was unbearably sarcastic. It was bad. And what I’ve learned is that it was just a cover for the hurt and anger in my own heart at the time that I didn’t want to deal with.

Deal with the pain- or you’ll end up inflicting pain on people who had nothing to do with your pain.

#2- Gossip

We all do this far more than we care to admit. Sometimes we do it under the guise of praying for someone. Sometimes it comes out in the form of a joke when they aren’t around. Sometimes it comes in the form of “venting.”

But anytime we are cutting down someone else with our words, it shows that we have a deep rooted problem in our heart: namely pride.

Pride thinks “I’m better than that person because of _____________.” Pride says “I am so glad I’m not like them.” Pride exalts itself at the expense of other people.

And in the process, it does three things:

First, it blinds us to our own problems. As long as I’m looking down at someone else, I’m blind to what’s going on inside of me.

Second, it makes some pretty tremendous assumptions that destroy our compassion. As I look at the times I’ve made a judgment about someone else when they aren’t there, it’s never been made with their side of the story. It’s only been my perception. This is not a great way to have compassion for people- it turns us into graceless people who no one wants to be around.

Third and worst of all, pride invites God’s opposition into our lives.

James 4:6 (NIV) says this:

God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.

That’s simply not a good spot to be in. So when it comes to talking about other people, it’s best to follow this simple rule that we learned watching Bambi as children:

“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

I imagine the world might be a better place if we applied that.

#3- Defensiveness

Defensive speech is always an offensive posture. It assumes the other person is on the attack against us and that our opinion/ position/ person needs to be defended.

But what I’ve discovered in my own life is that any time I want to get defensive, it’s because there is something inside of me that is deeply insecure.

I want to be right. I don’t want to be wrong. Because if I’m wrong, then have I failed? Am I worth less if I don’t nail the argument? If my worth is attached to the rightness of my opinion, then when my opinion or perspective is attacked, I have to defend.

Defensiveness doesn’t build bridges with people. It builds walls around ourselves that keeps people from getting in.

This is why James says in James 1 that we should “be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19, NIV). That is not a defensive posture. That is the posture of someone who is willing to hear the other side out; to consider that they may have a point and that I, may in fact, be wrong.

If our first impulse is to defend instead of listen, then it’s time to look within- because we have an issue with insecurity that we need to let Jesus deal with.

Let’s not make the mistake of assuming our speech is flawless- even if we are not cussing or raging all the time. Let’s let Jesus reveal the issues in our own speech and allow Him to lovingly correct them so we can be more gracious and grace-filled people that show Jesus to others in what we say.

This post originally appeared on dillonschupp.com.