One of the biggest reasons we do not step into the limitless life Jesus offers us is because of what I call the “personality prison.”
The personality prison is this: “I do _________ because that’s just the way I am. It’s a mindset that rejects any correction that is related to a certain behavior because that behavior is, in our minds, justified because of “the way I am.” Even more, it’s a mindset that takes any attempts to correct it extremely personally, even to the point of doubting the love of the person offering correction.
Why?
Because- if “the way I am” is what I’ve tied my identity to, then when someone tries to correct it, it says to me that they are rejecting me. I can’t see that they are trying to help correct an unhelpful behavior.
At the end of the day, “the way I am” keeps us in a prison, because “the way I am” may be a phrase that helps me feel better, but will ultimately alienate me from people in my life that I need- because they cannot stand “the way I am.”
Obviously, none of us wants that. None of us would say we desire to alienate others. And yet it happens when we refuse to deal with the way we are and let God change the way we are.
Which leads to the question I want us to wrestle with:
Why is it- really- that we don’t want to address the way we are? Why is it- honestly- that we react so defensively and defiantly when someone tells us “the way I am” needs to change?
There are probably a variety of reasons that we could go with, but I believe the most typical reason we don’t want to deal with “the way I am” is because of this:
“The way I am” is tied to a wound that has never healed in my life.
Is it really that you just have a short temper…or is it because you have a simmering anger raging beneath the surface at the father who walked out on you when you were a child?
Is it that you’re really competitive and hate to lose…or is it because you have a deep insecurity from a perceived or real lack of affirmation, and you now have an insatiable need to prove yourself as a function of that wound?
Is it that you really like doing your own thing…or is it that you have a deep mistrust of people because of the friend who ghosted you and never looked back?
Is it that you don’t want to try something new and different or challenging because you don’t like the idea of it…or is it because the last time you tried something, you failed and you’ve resolved to never feel that way again?
Are you so demanding of your children, your spouse, and your employees because you have high standards…or is it because nothing you ever did yourself as a child was ever good enough for your own parents, and now that has carried over into how you deal with other people?
We could go on and on, but the point is the same.
“The way I am” doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It exists, many times, as a function of the wounds we carry around from our past. These wounds, if they are not healed, work to bring out the absolute worst of our personalities.
For example: in my own life, one of the things I have struggled with is being harsh towards other people. For years, I justified this as “That’s just the way I am.” Now, it’s true that I am a direct communicator and I don’t beat around the bush. However…was my harshness really a function of that directness? Perhaps- but it was certainly the worst side of it.
So what brought that out?
As I’ve reflected on it, my harsh approach was a function of insecurity that developed deeply within me as a teenager. That insecurity stemmed from my own sense of failure and my perception of myself as a failure. Then, when I stepped into leadership in my early 20s, that sense of insecurity multiplied, and I began to believe- though I never would have admitted it- that my harsh approach was a way to make myself feel more “in charge.” Because of my own insecurity, I felt like no one respected me, and so I felt a harsh “taking charge” approach would make people respect me as a leader.
This insecurity also lead to things like working ridiculous hours, never taking a break, and doing more than I really should have…because I believed it would earn the respect of others.
Boy was I wrong!!!
My harsh approach didn’t win me influence- it alienated people and hurt feelings. It accomplished the exact opposite of what I wanted. And yet I justified it because “It was the way I am.”
What I failed to see for years is that all of that harshness was stemming from the wound inside me. It was stemming from my own insecurity and my own sense of being a failure that I had never dealt with.
Once God exposed that, I began to realize how wrong I had been. But it took Him peeling back the layers of my heart and making me deal with some very uncomfortable truths about myself in order to do that.
One of the things He taught me in that process was this: the reason I was so defensive and justified my behavior by “this is the way I am” was because- anytime someone challenged me on it, what they were really doing was putting their finger on an open wound…and it hurt! Which made me react in a way that pushed people away.
The more defensive and angry our reaction when people confront us, the more likely it is that reaction stems from the fact they have put their finger on an open wound we have never dealt with.
And nothing brings out that defensiveness more than someone challenging the way we are.
So how do we embrace the pain and deal with it? How do we get to the point to where we lean into the pain of reliving, in some cases, agonizing pain, so that we can let Jesus change us from the way we are into who we should be?
First off: Measure your behavior against Jesus. Jesus is the measuring stick. The goal is not to be like someone else. The goal is not to be like me. The goal is to be like Jesus.
Would Jesus react like you just did?
If not and you are a follower of Jesus, then “That’s just the way I am” is not an excuse, because Jesus made you new!
2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV) says this:
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!
If you are a follower of Jesus, you are not “the way I am”. You have been made brand new.
The only way you get to use the excuse “That’s just the way I am” is if you are not a Christian- because that is, in fact, the way you are.
But if you are a Christian, Jesus has made you a new creation and given you a new nature. Anything from your life before Christ has to go.
Second: realize that avoiding the pain is not healthy.
For instance- if I have a deep cut on my finger from a rusty nail that requires stitches and I do not get it cleaned first, it will get infected. Now, getting it cleaned is going to be agonizing and nauseating.
But that won’t be nearly as bad as losing my finger due to an infection that kills the tissue around the wound.
Yes, dealing with the pain hurts. But keeping the pain numbed is not a sign of life- it’s actually a sign of death. It’s a sign that something is wrong inside in a significant way.
Feeling the pain is sign that healing is possible! But you have to lean into the pain first- especially when it comes from someone that loves you, which leads to…
Third: Bring a friend into the process to help.
Proverbs 27:6 says this:
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
A friend loves you enough to address your wounded areas- even when it hurts you tremendously. No one is doing you a favor by glossing over the deep wounds in your heart. No one is doing you a favor by just letting your behavior slide.
A true friend calls you out- and challenges you to deal with it.
Don’t fight that. Lean into it. Even better, invite them into the process to point out every single issue in your life. And instead of being defensive, embrace the correction and make the changes.
Yes it will hurt you- but it will also heal. And I’ve heard it said only the knife that cuts deeply can heal fully.
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Here’s the bottom line: our life is too short and precious to be thrown away on the altar of “That’s the way I am.” Jesus made us for more than that. He made us to be different and make a difference. That happens when we become more like Him and show Him to the world- which demands we become a lot less like us.
And I believe when those around us see Jesus in us, that is what gives weight to what we say we believe, and it’s what makes the message of the Gospel irresistible.