We all experience grief at some point in life. It’s an inevitable fact of life. It is not fun. We do not go around looking for it. But it is guaranteed to happen.
- A loved one will pass- unexpectedly.
- A relationship will end.
- Something we put our identity in will fail us.
- Plan will not work out.
We could go on and on- but you get the point.
The question, then is not whether we will grieve- but whether we will grieve well when grief hits. To that end, here are six best practices when dealing with grief.
#1- Don’t stuff it.
Stuffing grief is refusing to express it. We don’t cry; we don’t show our sadness. We take a deep breath and put on a smile…even though we are drowning inside.
The problem with stuffing grief is that it is similar to merely bandaging a wound that needs stitches. It may cover it up…but eventually the wound gets infected. Stuffing grief doesn’t heal it; it just means it’s never addressed…and it eats away at us inside.
#2- Don’t say “I’m fine.”
This is something we’re all prone to. We don’t want others to see our brokenness. However, when we’re grieving the fact is we ARE broken- and we need help. Saying “I’m fine” when we’re not is not only dishonest…it only serves to keep at arms’ length those who are willing to help.
I say this gently…but we can’t blame others for not helping when we always insist we don’t need it.
#3- Don’t try to “get over it.”
I learned this when my wife and I miscarried about a year and a half ago. That event was utterly devastating- and it completely reshaped how I navigate grief.
I used to think grief was something you “got over.” Reality is it’s something you get through- and there are no shortcuts.
Trying to “get over it” is an attempt to shortcut the grieving process. It’s much like needing surgery to repair a torn ACL and then refusing to go to rehab. You never really recover what you lost, and instead of having just a scar, you walk with a limp.
Grieving is a journey with no defined timetable- and when we try to shortcut it, we only shortchange ourselves.
Ecclesiastes 3:4 says this: “(There is) a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…”
Recognize the time- or season- you are in. Be fully present in it. Seasons have an end. Don’t rush it. I know slowing down and feeling the pain is the LAST thing you want to do in the moment. But at the end of the day, it’s incredibly healing.
#4- DO express grief.
If there’s a time to weep…then by all means, weep. Cry- and don’t let anyone shame you for it.
Yes, weeping and crying is not so much a sign of weakness as an acknowledgement of the fact that we ARE weak. Expressing grief is simply being honest that we are hurting- and there is no shame in that.
When the grief is there- it’s got to come out. When it comes out, it can be navigated. When it stays inside, it festers.
By the way, this is exactly where to bring God into the process. Prayer is one of the most powerful ways we can express grief. Just look at the Psalms. Look at Psalm 22. Grief often brings up questions of why God would allow this to happen, how can God be God…and God is not afraid of our questions. He’s not afraid of our grief. In fact, He’s there waiting for us with open arms to run to Him in prayer, whether that’s weeping on our knees or writing through tears in a prayer journal.
Some of the most healing moments I’ve ever experienced in grief has been speaking with God in the middle of it. 5 minutes with Him doesn’t just patch the wound- it cleans it out.
Express your grief by all means- especially to the Lord.
#5- DO bring someone else into the process.
We can’t grieve alone. We need other people- but we need to be wise about who we bring into the process. It needs to be someone who is godly. It needs to be someone who will empathize and be patient with us. It needs to be someone who will not let us wallow.
Bringing someone else into the process doesn’t mean we need to bring everyone into the process. Sometimes we just need one other person- and that’s enough.
One note here for those outside the process…as much as we may think someone needs to open up, don’t force your way into the process. It can do more harm than good and can feel like a serious violation of personal space to the person grieving. Sometimes it’s simply enough to “be there” for the other person…even if you don’t feel like they are telling you everything.
#6- DO work through the process.
Again- grief is a process. It’s a journey. It’s not one we can fast-forward through. It’s something we have to work through.
That means we put one foot in front of the other- one painful moment at a time.
That means when we hit a wall and feel like we can’t go forward and if we’ll ever be able to feel joy again- we take another step. We get up and we keep moving…because we DO have hope in Jesus. We do have hope that, even when we can’t see the way forward, that as long as we hold onto Jesus He will lead us forward- out of the dark and back into the light.
And I’ve learned that it’s those very moments with Jesus that lead us not just to healing- but to a much deeper place in our walk with Him.
The process doesn’t have a schedule- it’s as long or as short as it needs to be- and honestly, it’s typically on the longer side. And that’s ok.
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The bottom line is this: we can grieve well- and we can grieve with hope. And, when we grieve with hope founded in Jesus, that’s when we find healing.