**I have tried my best to write this in a way that challenges and encourages everyone. However, I realize that I am a flawed person who is prone to mistakes. If there is anything in this, particularly something my African American brothers and sisters find is inaccurate, please let me know at [email protected]. **
“This restaurant is awesome- you should try it!”
So we did. And…it wasn’t. It was a huge let down. The food wasn’t even good. And it made me wonder “What in the world could they possibly like about this place?”
You’ve probably had a similar experience. Someone else thinks something is amazing. You think it’s awful. Or perhaps the situation is reversed. You think something is the best thing in the world. And your friend thinks you’re crazy for enjoying it.
What’s the difference? Occasionally it’s preference (for instance. However, more often than not, the difference really boils down to perspective: how did I (or someone else) specifically experience something?
In fact, I would go as far as to argue that, many times, it’s our perspective that drives our preferences. For instance: if your perspective of a certain band or artist is that they are awesome, you’ll probably prefer anything they produce. On the other hand, if your perspective of a different band or artist is that they’re horrible, you’ll likely never say any of their music is good.
For most of us, the fact is that our perspective defines what we think and believe is reality. And this is one of the things that, in part, explains the divide between whites and African Americans.
Generally speaking (I’ll be speaking in general terms here, I realize there are exceptions), based on conversations I’ve had with African American brothers and sisters, the way an African American experiences America is very different than they way a white person does. Case in point: being pulled over by a police officer. For me (a white guy), I get nervous when a police officer gets behind me because I don’t want a ticket. However: as one of my African American friends pointed out, getting pulled over by a police officer is a far different experience for an African American man. He’s not scared of getting a ticket; he’s scared of getting killed.
Whether you agree with that or not is, to be frank, irrelevant. It’s impolite at best and downright jerk-ish at worst to dismiss someone’s feelings just because that’s not your experience. You may not agree with someone’s perspective, but the fact is someone’s perspective is still their perspective- which means it’s typically defining their reality.
And reality is that African Americans and whites have different perspectives and thus different views on what reality in America is. And the result is a huge divide, and part of the reason so little progress seems to be made in terms of racial reconciliation is because of the divide.
Imagine trying to shout a message to someone that is across a river. Perhaps, on a clear day and you have a very loud voice, the message gets across. But on a windy day, with lots of boats motoring through the river, you’re message will either be misunderstood or not even heard.
The problem in America is that- regardless of what “side” you’re on- we often try shouting messages at each other from across the divide between us…and often the message from one side to the other is either not heard or misunderstood. And in this case, the result is that the divide keeps growing.
What we need is not louder voices. What we need is a bridge to get across to where we can meet and clearly communicate the message. The question is this: what would that bridge be?
Imagine this: you’ve got to have a difficult conversation with someone. There are some things that have to be addressed that have been simmering under the surface (or perhaps not under the surface), and they can no longer be ignored. You’ve arranged a meeting with the other party. How are you feeling about it?
Chances are you’re feeling extremely anxious- and you’re probably entering the conversation with a very defensive posture (imagine coming in like a boxer with your fists up). You assume the other person isn’t going to take it well and is going to get upset. And you’ve probably rehearsed in your mind exactly what you think is going to happen and how you’re going to respond with the perfect zingers to put them in their place and win the argument.
If that’s your posture going into that conversation, here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to filter everything through thing through the lens of “the other person is against me.” In fact, because of that, the way you present things is going to be framed in a way that is designed to defend yourself, which will likely put them on the defensive and having to justify what they did. The way you approach the conversation is already designed to put them in a fighting posture. Not only that, you’re already assuming any response from the other party is going to be from a posture of fighting back. And because you assume their going to fight back, and coupled with the fact you’re already anxious and feeling defensive, the fact is you’re posture is going to be one of…well, defending yourself as well. Or, put more simply: fighting back.
One you have one person coming in with fists up, the logical outcome is the other person is going to put their fists up- or simply punch back. If you come looking for a fight or expecting one, it’s almost impossible to drop your guard to the point you can actually have a productive conversation.
When we come in assuming the worst, chances are it’s exactly what we’ll get.
And it’s that exact attitude that needs to change if we’re going to begin to bridge the racial divide in a way that promotes healing and unity. Interestingly enough, that attitude change is exactly what God calls us to if we’re going to be loving people (which, you know, is supposed to be one of the defining characteristics of a disciple of Jesus).
I like the way The Message Bible sums up the change in attitude we’re called towards:
“Love…always looks for the best.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)
Put another way: Love always assume the best instead of the worst.
You’ve got to have a difficult conversation with someone. There are some things that have to be addressed that have been simmering under the surface (or perhaps not under the surface), and they can no longer be ignored. You’ve arranged a meeting with the other party.
But this time- even though you’re feeling anxious, you’re not letting that anxiety shape your attitude. Instead, you have chosen to assume the best about the other person. They aren’t out to get you. They were likely unaware of what their actions we’re doing. You assume they want to grow and they want your relationship to thrive. Put another way, you assume they want what you want.
Now you’re not going into the conversation with your fists up. You’re going up with your guard down. You’re not filtering them- or their response- through a lens that needs to defend yourself. And because you’re not interested in defending yourself, you’re not going to structure your part of the conversation in a way that puts them on the defensive. And because you’re assuming the best and not focused on defending yourself, you’re focus now is bringing healing to the relationship. As a result, you’ve made up your mind that you aren’t going to fight back if they come in wanting to argue.
Now, the pushback to that is often something like this: “But what if I get hurt?”
The uncomfortable truth of the matter, however, is this: when you operate out of love and assuming the best, there WILL be times you get hurt- because to operate out of love (and thus assuming the best) is to be vulnerable. And love realize that real change can only occur when deep pain is possible.
But let’s just imagine how that posture would re-shape the entire situation on race in America. And let’s imagine it from both sides.
What if police officers, when interacting with an African- American, went into each situation not assuming violent intent, but assuming cooperation?
What if African Americans, instead of assuming police officers were corrupt and dangerous, assumed they were simply doing their jobs and not looking for a fight?
What if whites assumed that those protesting the George Floyd murder are not, as a whole, violent, and are simply grieving and expressing their deep desire for change?
What if African Americans assumed that, when whites express concern over the actions of some during these protests, that whites are not being racist- they are just concerned for their safety?
The end result would be this: because we’re living out of love and assuming the best, we’re no longer on edge, we’re no longer living in fear, and because we’re no longer living in fear, we no longer act out of fear. And when we’re not acting out of fear, we’re far less likely to overreact to things that, while perhaps not intended to be malicious, are easily interpreted as such when we’re on edge.
Might there be some situations where assuming the best gets taken advantage of ? Yes. It’s inevitable. And it’s tragic. The fact is that there are some very bad apples in the barrel, so to speak, and they are going to act like bad apples regardless.
But assuming the worst hasn’t gotten us anywhere. More than that, if we claim to be followers of Jesus, assuming the best is precisely what we are called to do.
When we approach each other assuming ill-intent, we’re always on edge. As a result, we’re prone to vastly misinterpret things in the wrong direction. That’s when things go sideways. And because we’re trying to shout the message across a busy river on a windy day, the message in the aftermath is never heard. Assuming the worst never leads to unity- only further division.
BUT: when we approach each other assuming the best, then we’re prone to NOT jump to wrong conclusions. We’ll tend to ask more questions to uncover the other person’s heart instead of simply assuming what they mean. We’ll not be so quick to get defensive- and thus go on the offensive- and we’ll be more prone to listen and understand rather than demanding to be understood.
More than that: when we approach each other assuming the best intentions, the affect on us is often deeper introspection that begins to ask how we ourselves can contribute to the solution. When we assume the best about others, we’re no longer leading with “Here’s how you need to make this right” and instead begin thinking “How can I make this right?”
In other words, when we begin to assume the best…we become bridge builders. We begin to work towards unity. And that’s what’s going to change the game. Especially when both sides choose this posture.
Let’s no longer assume worst. Let’s choose to believe the best. It won’t be easy. It’ll be extremely messy. And it won’t change over night.
But when you’re living out love, that’s OK. Because love doesn’t just believe the best.
“It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”- I Corinthians 13:7, emphasis mine
Love doesn’t give up. It keeps on going. And, in the end, it’s love that will win.