While at first glance Cardi B’s Grammy performance and the Georgia massage parlor shootings have nothing in common, the truth is there is a thread that connects the perfectly: the issue of sexual purity.
Robert Long, the massage parlor shooter, said he was attempting to “eliminate his temptations.” Cardi B’s performance and outfit was deemed by many to be sexually provocative and completely inappropriate for prime time TV. And thus our culture jumped into a discussion on sexual purity, with the typical response being to pick a side.
On the one hand, many condemned Long, insisting that men have a responsibility to deal with their own temptation and need to stop blaming women for their sexual sin. On the other hand, others condemned Cardi B, arguing that sexually provocative dress and behavior is, in and of itself, sexual impurity and does, in fact, contribute to the temptations that men face.
With many people tending towards one side or the other, there is much that is lost in the process; in fact, arguing for one side or the other actually results in trying to prescribe, at best, a partial solution for dealing with sexual temptation and winning the fight for sexual purity.
That’s a shame, because this is a discussion the church- and our culture- desperately needs to have. However, in order to have it, we need to understand that winning the battle for sexual purity is not quite as cut and dried as either our culture or many in the church tend to believe. It’s a much deeper conversation than “Just keep your hands to yourself” or “Dress modestly”, because the truth is how we deal with the issue of sex isn’t so much about sex- it’s reflective of the condition of our heart and soul…which leads us to this:
Sexual sin always comes from the overflow of a sick heart.
By “sick” we don’t mean “perverted.” We mean “spiritually unhealthy.” In fact, we heard a pastor put it this way recently: “If you’re not healthy spiritually, then you are sinning sexually- because there’s no incentive to address that sin until you starting dealing with your spiritual problems.”
Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re having an affair or hooked on porn…but it could mean you secretly enjoy watching a sex scene on TV…you linger a little too long in the “Intimates” section in the store…you consume emotionally riveting romance novels…you secretly imagine what your life would be like with “that person”…and so on.
Generally, our definition of sexual sin is often way to narrow; the truth is sexual sin begins in our mind (see Matthew 5:27-28), and the reason our mind goes there tells us something about the condition of our soul: namely, that we are trying to fill a void. And since we can’t seem to fill it in real life, we turn towards a mental escape to find it in our mind.
It could be feeling unloved and unwanted and wanting desperately to feel loved, wanted, and pursued.
It could be the desire to feel beautiful.
It could be the desire to be accepted and approved of.
Anytime sexual sin occurs, the primary problem is not sexual temptation or desire; the primary problem is a heart that is spiritually unhealthy. And until the heart issue is dealt with, dealing with the external behavior is, in the long run, a waste of time.
So how do we deal with the heart issue? We have to realize this:
Sexual purity is only possible through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Jesus told us that apart from Him we could do nothing– as in…nothing. That includes winning the battle for sexual purity.
As long as a person is trying to fight for purity in their own strength, they are destined to fail, because- again- we’re not primarily dealing with behavior here. We’re having to deal with a spiritual condition first. And the only one who can correct that is the Holy Spirit.
On a side note: that means it is completely unrealistic for Christians to expect people who are not Christians to hold to Christian standards of sexual morality. We should not be surprised when entertainment promotes and glorifies overt sexual sin, because that industry is not following Jesus. In fact, it’s spiritually dangerous to attempt to conform a lost world to Christian standards because it pushes for external conformity to the neglect of the heart issue behind it. What matters more than Hollywood or Disney or (insert-person-or organization here) conforming to Christian standards is for them to come to know Christ- and that alone will result in following Christian standards. To fail to recognize that is to waste our collective breath.
Only when a person is in Christ do they have a chance of winning the fight for sexual purity, and that is true for two reasons:
#1- The moment you give your life to Jesus and trust Him as your Savior, the Holy Spirit comes to live inside of you, empowering you to overcome any and every temptation you face. As a child of God, you are no longer bound to instinct, desire, and emotion- you now have the ability to say “No” to sexual sin in all it’s forms.
#2- The Holy Spirit is the one who digs into our heart and uncovers the unhealthy aspects of our soul- that we often are unaware of before- that actually drive us towards sexual sin. Those areas are often deep and buried beneath the surface, and for good reason: they are incredibly painful to deal with. And only with the guidance of the Holy Spirit can we navigate them in a way that leads us to life.
And as we navigate those issues, the Holy Spirit does something else in us: He helps us realize that choosing to fight for sexual purity isn’t just about overcoming our personal temptation, it’s also about helping others overcome their temptation, which leads us to this:
Winning the battle for sexual purity is both a team effort as it is an individual choice.
On an individual level, each person is responsible for their own sexual choices- and no one else can be held to blame for sin we may commit as individuals.
At the same time, it is also true that we as individuals are either helping or hurting the chances someone else has to win their own battle with sexual purity.
That’s a tough pill to swallow in a culture that doesn’t do “both-and” very well. But it’s crucial to winning the battle for sexual purity.
As individuals, we are all responsible to choose, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to not sin: to not look at something sexually provocative, to not think about it, and to keep our hands to ourselves- regardless of the temptation around us (which, in today’s culture, is plentiful).
At the same time…we also have to realize that choices we make as individuals, even though we may not intend them to tempt others, often can tempt others…and thus be harmful to them. For instance…
- Having a flirtatious approach to interactions with others, which can lead them to have the wrong idea.
- Being a little too available for a co-worker whose marriage is on the rocks, which can get them to thinking about life with you instead of healing their marriage.
- Wearing something that is designed to showcase and draw attention to certain aspects of your body, which can get the minds of those who see you going.
- Watching something sexual or sensual with your spouse…which can get you or your spouse thinking about what you saw and not you.
That’s not an exhaustive list, but you probably get the point.
Notice the emphasis on the word can in the above. Regardless of each of these, each individual is still responsible for his or her own choices- period.
At the same time, we also have to acknowledge that, if we are not careful, we can also make decisions that make it more difficult for others to make good decisions. And the wise and loving approach is to come alongside others and fight for their success with them instead of making choices that, while they don’t ensure someone else’s failure, if that person does succeed it’s in spite of our choices.
As Christians, our calling is always towards to things: to make wise decisions in regards to our own behavior and loving decisions that benefit other people.
As a result, when it comes to sexual purity, we need to be asking if we as individuals are making wise decisions to enhance our chances of sexual purity and asking if the decisions are making are also enhancing the chances someone else has at remaining sexually pure.
In regard to the specific situations of last week, that means men are responsible for keeping their hands to themselves. Period. Yet at the same time, it also means ladies are responsible to dress in a way that is not sexually provocative.
It’s not “either-or.” It’s “both-and”.
Before we end, we’re going to speak specifically to the guys (from Dillon) and the ladies (from Grace):
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From Grace to the ladies: Ladies, I get it. You want to wear what you want to wear. I understand the frustration- you don’t want to feel like you have to dress like a nun just because guys can’t keep it together.
But let’s look beyond that and ask ourselves this question: Why do we dress the way we do? What is the motive behind the way we dress?
Are we dressing to be validated? Are we dressing for the purpose of attracting attention from a guy? Do we feel like we have to dress a certain way to be approved of by our friends? Have we bought into the cultural idea that “sex sells” and are dressing in a way that is designed to capitalize on that idea?
Honestly, I don’t think we have to dress like nuns! And the truth is that some guys are going to have an issue even IF we dressed like nuns!
We can’t cater to every weird and strange behavior of a guy (like don’t think you can only wear shoes and not flip-flops because some guys have a foot fetish). But we can evaluate our motives as to why we want to dress the way we do. And we can ask ourselves if the way we are dressed is reasonably likely to help our brothers in Christ or lead them into temptation.
From Dillon to the guys: Guys, you have to learn to not look. And I get it: that’s challenging. Biologically, you are wired to look. You feel like you can’t help it. And the messaging from culture seems to reinforce that very idea.
The truth is this: with the Holy Spirit, you can help it. You can learn to not look. You can learn to not think about it. And you have to take responsibility for making that shift- regardless of what’s in front of you.
It is perverse for you to blame a woman for your inability to control your thoughts. You alone are responsible for what goes on in your mind. So you have to make a couple of decisions:
#1- Resolve to NOT think about a woman who is not your spouse sexually. That’s a choice you have to make, and it requires thinking on purpose.
#2- Refuse to put anything in front of you that you know is going to tempt you sexually and is designed to tempt you sexually. Stop looking at the SI Swimsuit Edition. Stop walking through the intimates section at the store if images of models rev your engines. Stop watching sex scenes on TV when they pop up in a show or movie…or better yet, stop watching that show or movie altogether! If going to the beach in the summer results in you lusting after who you saw, don’t tell ladies to not wear bikinis- YOU stop going to the beach!
Lust is a battle, as men, that we will have to actively fight until the day Jesus takes us home because we are wired to be visual and sin has warped that desire. But it’s a battle that can be won when we resolve to win it, depend on the Holy Spirit to empower us, and make decisions that will help us avoid unnecessary temptation.
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The bottom line is this: taking responsibility for your own actions while also making choices that help other and being fueled by the Holy Spirit will lead us to honor God, honor others, and keep ourselves pure in the battle for sexual purity. It’s a fight, but it can be won when we choose to work together.