Remember when you were crazy about your spouse?
You’d stay up late at night talking on the phone for hours- and you never ran out of things to talk about. You would go great lengths to spend just a few moments with them. You always thought about them, texted them constantly, and could not wait to be with them.
Now, instead of being crazy about your spouse, it seems that your spouse drives you crazy!
What happened? Everything seemed awesome until the honeymoon was over- and then it seemed like you were living with someone who was nothing like the person you dated! Not only were they a lot messier than it seemed when you were dating (the laundry hamper becomes a suggestion), and not only did you discover all their other noises and, perhaps, smells (hey, let’s be honest here!), all these other little habits and mannerisms began bubbling to the surface like a raging flood- and now, the person you were crazy about is about to drive you insane.
What are we to do about that? After all, we didn’t sign up for craziness- we signed up for happily ever after. And, sure, we want that- but we’re not convinced that it’s possible with all the crazy coming from our spouse. We begin to wonder if we married the wrong person- or perhaps how we even fell in love to begin with.
Should we just throw in the towel? Should we start over? Do we need counseling? Will counseling even help? Is there any hope?
Yes- there is hope. And interestingly enough, hope starts with something changing in you.
“But wait!”, you exclaim. “My spouse is the one with the problem!”
That may very well be true. But what makes a marriage work- and thrive- is not getting your spouse to stop every single thing that bothers you and drives you up the wall.
What makes a marriage work is the extent to which we are willing to be like Jesus to our spouse. And that starts with understanding what Jesus is like towards us.
2 Peter 3:9 (NIV) says this:
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
One of the reasons Peter wrote this was to reassure his readers that Jesus was returning. Some thought that Jesus was slow in coming back- especially in light of the suffering and persecution the church was going through. However, Peter wrote that was not the case. Jesus was not delaying because He did not care about the pain the church was going through. He was delaying because there were- and still are- more people to be saved. There are more people to become a part of His Bride- the Church- and, therefore, He is willing to wait until they repent of their sin and turn to Him.
How does that have anything to do with marriage?
If you are a Christian and have been saved by Jesus, the only reason it happened is because Jesus is patient with you. He has put up with a lot of our messes instead of removing us from this earth and sending us to hell.
Not only that, if you’re a Christian, the fact is you and I still mess up. Daily. Yet Jesus never kicks us out of His family. He keeps extending grace, because He is still patient with us.
And if you’re not a Christian- and you are reading this (and, therefore, still alive), your life is evidence Jesus is patient with you. He could have had you killed and sent to hell. But He is still keeping the door open for you to give your life to Him. He is being patient with you.
Do you see what Jesus is like towards each of us?
He is patient. Even though He did not have to be. Even though we did not deserve it. He waits on us, holds on to us, and keeps pursuing us even when we say “no” again and again.
And if Jesus is patient towards me- and I don’t deserve it, and I have offended Him far more than my spouse has hurt, bothered, or annoyed me- then I can do no less than be patient with my spouse- even if the wound is serious. After all, what we did to Jesus through our sin put Him on the cross. Yet He still pursued us and forgave us.
Understanding this moves me to grace– giving what is undeserved to someone. The overflow of that is patience- which, really, is nothing more than simply giving your spouse permission to be just like you: imperfect.
How patient should you be with them?
As patient as Jesus is with you.
When we understand just how patient Jesus is with us, we stop being bothered by little things, and we’re able to forgive the big things. We’re able to begin showing Jesus to our spouse- and even though our spouse may not change, we will: into more gracious, humble, patient people.
And that will change the way you view your marriage- because you’ll stop seeing your spouse as someone who drives you crazy, and you’ll see them through Jesus’ eyes: as someone worth loving, pursuing, serving, and fighting for- in spite of the imperfections.
And if Jesus can love your spouse and see them this way- then so can you. Even when they drive you nuts.