Yesterday, we talked about anger, and we discovered that we often misinterpret anger as “get even” or “escalate”. That often creates problems because “getting even” is certainly sinful, and “escalation” will most likely be sinful as well.
What we did mention, in passing, is that there are times- though certainly the vast minority of times- when, after stopping to get perspective, escalation may be appropriate. This certainly does not mean a sinful response is ever appropriate. However, it does mean that, if warranted, we take action that actually creates additional conflict instead of letting the conflict pass and letting it slide.
The tricky thing is trying to figure when it’s appropriate to escalate the conflict instead of letting it go.
Wait a minute…could this possibly be ok?
To answer that question, we need to unpack two things, the first of which is “what defines appropriate escalation?”
Appropriate escalation does not mean screaming at the offending party; it does not mean cutting them down or trying to browbeat them into agreement with you. In other words, appropriate escalation doesn’t mean that you respond to someone’s sinful behavior with sinful behavior of your own.
What appropriate escalation is would be a response that, while not sinful, could be seen as more extreme, with the goal of leading the offending party to cease their offensive behavior.
For instance- say your spouse comes home in a bad mood and says something unkind to you- and this has become a pattern. Inappropriate escalation is turning the tables and telling them what a sorry human being they are and so on. Appropriate escalation would be saying something like this: “I am not going to let you speak to me that way. It is hurtful and offensive. I will be going into the other room until your attitude changes.”
That’s a small example of what appropriate escalation is. In this case, it’s separation from the person- as opposed to staying in the same room- with the goal of reconciling the relationship. That’s where the rub lies and how we can often tell if escalation is appropriate: is our goal to “get back” at the other person…or is it to reconcile the relationship?
You’ll notice also that appropriate escalation is a move that creates a need for the offending party to take responsibility for their behavior and take the appropriate steps to fix it. For a great read on how this works, I’d highly recommend “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend.
The second thing to unpack is this: we actually see God escalate in response to sin, typically in the Old Testament, and most notably with the people of Israel. The book of Judges paints a good picture of this. Every time Israel disowned God, God would allow them to be conquered by their enemies. This wasn’t primarily to “get back” at the people- it was to encourage them to return to the God who had delivered them from slavery.
It’s critical to note here that the people of Israel were the ones who broke relationship with God. That’s important to understand when it comes to appropriate escalation in general: it may be appropriate to escalate when the other party has taken action that breaks or damages our relationship in such a manner that it cannot move forward in a healthy manner unless their is repentance and reconciliation.
Sadly, as God’s dealings with the people of Israel demonstrate, it sometimes takes escalation to get the offending party’s attention and move them to repentance and reconciliation.
So with that said…when should I escalate the conflict?
In general, escalation should be a last resort. If at all possible, the situation should be resolved with grace and forgiveness. However, there are some occasions where escalation is a first resort.
For instance: if the situation places you in physical danger, escalation as an immediate response is appropriate. Take the instance of a physically abusive relationship. In that instance, the primary goal is not reconciliation- it’s safety. Reconciliation is impossible when one of the parties does not even feel safe, because without a sense of security there can be no trust, and thus no intimacy. In that instance, immediate separation should be pursued.
In some cases, reconciliation may be possible. However, it should only be pursued when the offending party has taken steps to get help. That doesn’t mean you can’t forgive. You should. We are commanded to do so. But forgiveness does not mean we should intentionally place ourselves in a situation that is unsafe and we are in danger.
In instances where physical danger is not an issue, then escalation should come only after prior reconciliatory efforts have gone unheeded. Take the case we mentioned above, for example. If one spouse is in the habit of verbally berating the other spouse, then appropriate escalation may go beyond separating to a room for a few minutes or an hour. It may mean saying something like this: “I love you and I want our marriage to work. However, our marriage cannot thrive with the way you keep talking to me. I am leaving and going to live with my parents until you take steps to address your behavior, including counseling.”
That shouldn’t take place the first time it happens. But if it’s become a pattern and you’ve tried over and over to address the behavior and it’s gone unheeded, then it could be time to take an extreme step in order to get the other party to address their behavior. And I would note, in the instance mentioned here regarding verbal abuse, it’s probably wise- before taking the response of separating- to see if they would be willing to go to counseling to start with.
In that case, if they refuse, then it may be appropriate to escalate. If the other party is simply unwilling to address their offensive behavior, then escalation is a reasonable response.
A few last thoughts
Obviously, none of this should be done without much prayer and counsel from others. It’s a tricky business, and there’s rarely a case that is completely cut and dried. It’s a bit of a gray area. And also, the examples I’ve mentioned above are just two potential ones. There is a wide array of what could be considered worthy of appropriate escalation.
Also, it should be noted that the effectiveness of appropriate escalation often depends on the willingness of the injured party to “stick to their guns.” Appropriate escalation that doesn’t really follow through only encourages the offending party to make half-hearted overtures or “stick it out” long enough, knowing that eventually the injured party will cave.
That will only enable the offending party’s negative behavior- and the situation becomes worse.
The point there is this: it is unwise to escalate unless you’re committed to following through. Bring someone else in to help you. Have someone hold you accountable. This will make follow through easier.
And lastly- if it all possible, the goal is reconciliation. Forgiveness and reconciliation demonstrate grace to people- which is what God shows to us. If at all possible, that should be the goal. Sometimes it’s not possible to reconcile- especially in the case of physical danger.
But that still requires forgiveness- and we never get a pass on that. Even if we must cut the offending party out of our lives, we are never permitted to let bitterness reside in our hearts.