Have you ever had to accept something that you really didn’t want to?
Like that break-up or rejection in high school. It was hard to admit that it was over (or, in some cases, over before it began), and so we held on, and pined away, and continued calling/ texting/ AIM messaging (for my generation) with no response…because we just couldn’t accept that our chance was gone.
Or maybe it was the harsh reality that you weren’t quite as good as you thought at something. Maybe you have a story like mine: you were a stand-out high school athlete and thought you were God’s gift to your sport…only to discover that, at the college level, EVERYONE was the stand-out at their high school…and most of them were, in fact, better than you.
Or perhaps it was the DIY project that you started and spent hours/ days/ weeks on…only to finally come to the realization you didn’t have the skill set to get the job done. But you kept trying, even knowing it was (probably) pointless, simply because you didn’t want to feel like you wasted all that time.
Perhaps, though, it was far more serious and life-altering. The divorce actually happened. The addiction is real. The layoff is coming. You won’t see that loved one again.
In those moments, it really is difficult to accept those realities as truths. Doing so is many times beyond painful. It forces us to confront not just the reality at hand, but also the internal struggles those situations bring up in ourselves. Many times it’s so painful that it feels easier to ignore what happened and pretend as if it didn’t.
But- when we refuse to process the pain, it turns out we end up with a bigger problem.
The Bigger Problem
When we are unwilling (or unable) to accept the facts of the matter at hand, the end result for us is simply this: we become unable to make progress. We become stuck in the situation we are in. We can’t move on. We can’t move forward.
And as a result, our refusal to process the pain of the situation puts us into a prison of our own making.
A prison, as it turns out, many of us are choosing to put ourselves in right now.
We’re Not Just Shut in Our Homes
Currently, we’re under a shelter-in-place order in North Carolina. Going out is very limited. Social interaction in person is almost non-existent. To be blunt, it’s not an enjoyable existence. It’s pretty miserable.
But what makes it even more miserable is the personal prison many of us have placed ourselves in. Here’s what I mean:
With the possible exception of presidential election cycles, there is more angry, bitter, vengeful, judgmental, condescending and even downright hateful content on social media than ever before.
As a culture, we are miserable AND mad. And it’s not just because our movement is limited. It’s because we’ve chosen to embrace that posture. We’ve chosen to embrace a posture that is, to be frank, looking for a fight. Whether it’s blatant disregard for the stay-at-home order or safety recommendations or flipping out at someone else’s child who touched something and put it back in the grocery store, so many of us are on the edge right now.
And we’ve chosen that.
Sure, it was reasonable to feel down and frustrated over staying at home. It was also reasonable to feel frustrated over individuals who did not seem to be as concerned with safety as you.
But allowing a feeling of frustration to turn into posture of anger is a not something forced on us. It’s something we choose.
The government may be able to tell us to stay in our homes. It cannot, however, command us to be angry or develop a bad attitude. That blame lies squarely on our own shoulders, and it stems from the fact that many of us are simply unwilling to accept certain truths about the world we live in.
And I get it. I’m not here to judge anyone. There are things that I am struggling to accept right now. So I’m right here in the journey with you.
We Don’t Have to Be So Angry
But, we don’t have to be miserable and mad. It is entirely possible to be happy- to choose joy- in a world where things are not really the way we wish they were. However, in order for that to happen, there are three facts about our current situation that we have to accept as true right now.
Fact #1- Everyone has a DIFFERENT and VALID perspective.
One of the primary sources of anger that I see right now is the fact that many seem unwilling to accept the fact that there are multiple ways- all of which are legitimate- of looking at this issue.
- It’s perfectly legitimate to feel very concerned about your health and safety and want everyone to stay at home due to the risk.
- It’s also perfectly reasonable to feel very concerned about the legality/ constitutional matters that the governor’s order has created. It’s reasonable to be concerned about the authoritarian nature of the government’s actions.
- It makes sense to want to get back to work as quickly as possible when you have bills to pay and mouths to feed.
- It’s not irrational to want to dispense with the entire order because the isolation is leaving you in a dark place emotionally and you NEED connection.
- It’s reasonable to be concerned that re-opening things to soon will result in devastating second-wave that will claim tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, more lives.
- It’s also legitimate to be concerned that the ongoing shutdown will result in wide-spread poverty that will result in comparable long-term health effects, physically and mentally.
Your perspective is going to be shaped tremendously by your situation. And the fact is no one’s situation is identical. And no one’s perspective is identical.
To make it even more nuanced: even people who are in a situation where they “should” feel one way may feel a completely different way. I know people in the “high risk” category that are ready to ditch the order completely and aren’t concerned at all. I also know people who are low-risk that are greatly concerned about the threat the virus poses. No one category is definitively determines one’s perspective.
When we’re refuse to accept that, we begin to believe that our perspective- and perspectives that roughly align with ours- are the only legitimate ones.
Frankly, that’s simply arrogant. And it’s wildly graceless. It lacks empathy and compassion.
Everyone’s situation is unique. Everyone’s background is different. Everyone’s perspective is their own.
Once we accept that as truth, we become far less surprised when we encounter differing perspectives. We expect it. We accept it. And, even if we disagree, we can agree to disagree peacefully.
Which will make us all much less “ready to fight” and much happier at the end of the day.
#2- Things are NOT going back to normal- at least any time soon.
Whether you’re ready for the order to stay home to be lifted NOW and social distancing to be canned, or whether you’re ready to hunker down for a year if that’s what it takes, there’s something deep within all of us that longs for a return to normalcy.
We’re much like Frodo Baggins the The Fellowship of the Ring: “I wish the ring had never come to me,” he tells Gandalf.
Most if not all of us feel the same way. We wish COVID-19 was not a reality. We wish it had never happened. And we wish things would just simply go back to normal.
But one of the greatest enemies of joy is holding out hope for a reality that is not realistic. That’s not optimism or hopefulness. It’s fantasy. And fantasy is not only foolish, it sets us up for an even more dramatic emotional crash when it doesn’t come true.
Wishing for normal at this point is like continuing to mourn the breakup 2 months after it happened. It ignores the fact that it ain’t coming back. And holding out hope only makes the incoming wave that is going to hit us bigger and more painful when it does- not to mention the fact that it keeps us stuck.
No matter how badly we wish for normal, the new normal is going to look and feel very different- and it may permanently alter what our culture looks like on the other side.
I’m not saying that’s a good, bad, or indifferent thing. As the saying goes, “It is what it is.” It’s just reality. The sooner we can accept that, the sooner we can mourn it- and the sooner we can move on into the new normal we’ll face when things re-open- and do so with joy.
Happiness doesn’t stem from the world being as we want it to be. Happiness stems from accepting the world as it is and choosing to have a good attitude in it.
That’s why 1 Thessalonians 5:16 says “Rejoice always.” Even when life isn’t how we want it to be, we can still choose joy.
#3- You’re not going to be 100% satisfied when we do re-open.
In other words, we’re not going to get everything we want. For those who are more cautious, the simple fact is not everyone is going to continue to shelter in place, many will not wear masks, and many will not act with the same caution that you do. It’s going to be frustrating. But it’s also going to be reality.
And chances are the government is not going to enact a new set of laws the requires people to live with the same caution you have.
On the other hand, if you are less concerned, the simple fact is there will be many who insist on wearing a mask in public. There will be many who will continue to shelter in place. There will be many who are not going to approach life in public with the same carefree manner you do.
You will probably find that maddening. But it’s also going to be reality.
And chances are the government will have at least a few standards that you should abide by that you think are utterly absurd and pointless.
We all have one of two options in light of that: we can continue to be frustrated and angry all the time, or, in light of the fact that everyone has a different and valid perspective and that we’re not going back to normal anytime soon, we can accept that fact that different people will act differently, and there will be some things we like about the new normal and some thing we do not like. There will be some people who make us more comfortable and some people who make us less comfortable.
We’re not going to get everything we want. We’re not going to be 100% happy with whatever decisions are made.
But someone else’s decision- whether that of an individual or that of the government- has exactly nothing to do with the decision that is in our hands: to accept reality as it is and choose joy in light of, or perhaps in spite of, our current situation.
The Choice is Yours
Look at 1 Thessalonians 5:16 again: “Rejoice always.” That is an imperative. It’s a command.
But here’s the thing about a command. You have to choose whether to obey it. The decision lies with you and I. We can either choose joy- or we can choose to be mad and miserable.
We can’t choose our circumstances. We can’t choose what other people do or don’t do. We can’t choose the rules the government does or does not put out.
But we can choose our attitude. We can choose to accept reality as it is. And we can choose- through the power of the Holy Spirit- to have a great attitude, one of joy, in the middle of it.
And that is going to leave us all much happier. Which will make us all much better to be around when we’re able to be around each other again!